Today is Barnabas' 4th birthday and also the last post of this blog. Memories of his birth flooded my mind the whole day. I was in SGH having my first surgery and giving birth to a premature baby. No one knows how painful it was for me when I couldn't even go near or hold him. I almost fainted seeing his little body.........he weighed only 690 gm. I had a very difficult time in the hospital and my changing hormones added on to the stress..............yup I had post natal blues for quite a while after his birth. I even thot of giving up on life. My dear little boy had to undergo a surgery at 4 days old.......... how could I not be worried!

Anyway, after months of stress and worries, Barn was finally discharged on 6 July 2003. Being first-time parents, we were quite lost especially when Barn had to take so much medicine. But our time with him was short. He passed away on 6 August 2003 due to some blood infection and intestinal problems. It was one of the saddest day of our lives. But God kept us strong throughout those times. He is the only one who can understand the pain of losing a son.

Even though we cannot see him now, we believe someday we will meet again in a place without pain, tears and sorrow. I wonder if he will recognise us!

Sorry, I don't mean to be so emotional but after watching this video of him smiling, I just couldn't help it.

I miss him sooooooooooo much..................... sob sob!

"Barnabas, mommy wished that I could hold you and showered you with lots of kisses now............ wonder what I would get you as a birthday gift..........hmm.................... maybe a Lego set? You don't how much I hope to hear you calling me "mama" just like your little brother! Would you be clinging on to me on your first day in school? What's your first word........"mama"??? But I know that you're safe with Jesus and having a great time with him. Happy Birthday Darling!"

SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD (Amy Grant)

So much pain and no good reason why
You've cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you say,
"Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why"
And all I can say,

"Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road".

Yesterday I thought Id seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking round the bend singing,
"Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why"
And all I can say,

"Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road